I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
