It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
did you just send me my own nude
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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