I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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