All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
