I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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