I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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