I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
