I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
