That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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