someone threw a dead crab at me
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
