I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I won't apologize to a one balled man
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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