My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You're like the curious george of whores
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
