I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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