if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
