I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wish I could punch you in the face.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
