there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
