I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
