I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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