I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
