so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
