So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
