Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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