i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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