I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
