He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
