Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS