Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
