i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
