Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
