I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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