Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
