I love black thongs
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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