i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
