I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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