First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?