Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
