really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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