you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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