K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Drunk is not a location!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
