i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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