Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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