Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
