Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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