my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
