dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
