What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
