I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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