I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
