He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I didn't notice because vodka
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
