why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i already hear my dad disowning me
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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