farters have to be the big spoon...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
