And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
