She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
