I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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