I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
