my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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