mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize