I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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