Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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